青少年犯罪類(lèi)作文批改實(shí)錄與英語(yǔ)范文指導(dǎo)

　　編者按：英語(yǔ)作文有些涉及到青少年犯罪問(wèn)題的，這些是當(dāng)今社會(huì)的熱點(diǎn)話(huà)題嗎，也是英語(yǔ)考試的重點(diǎn)。

　　原文：

　　It is true that the incidence of minor crime is increasing at a rapid pace. There are some reasons for this, and steps should be taken to tackle this problem.

　　The shortcoming in ethical education is one cause of juvenile crime. Schools pay closer attention to core subjects than moral education. Therefore, teenagers cannot learn how to distinguish right and wrong, thereby committing crimeseasily. For example, some young people frequently see drugs as cool and become addicted, and they may resort to petty theft in order to pay for their habit. Besides, the young who are always exposed to unhealthy content are more likely to commit crimes. Youth are normally and may copy bad behavior they see on TV or Internet. For instance, teenagers who often watch films containing violent contents may be used to use violence to settle problems, which would lead to violent crimes.

　　There are some ways to curb juvenile delinquency. Clearly, schools ought to improve their teaching methods. They can make moral education a required course to help students understand the price of committing a crime, the danger of drugs and soon. This can help students become law-abiding citizens. In addition, parents have to ensure that young people are protected fromtoo much exposure to unhealthy content. They should spend more time with theirchildren and help them stay away from Internet and TV, thereby reducing the chances of watching violent and pornographic content. Also, governments should pass some laws aimed at the young. This would be a good deterrent and teenagers would think twice when they want to commit a crime.

　　In conclusion, the lack of ethical education and too much exposure to unhealthy content are responsible for the increase of juvenile crime. Parents, schools and governments should work together to prevent this kind of crimes.

　　Feedback:

　　邏輯：6 結(jié)構(gòu)：6.5 學(xué)術(shù)：5 語(yǔ)法：5.5 總分：6

　　1.首先，文章的開(kāi)頭是background，而background的老套路是改寫(xiě)題目，一定要記住題目中一個(gè)很關(guān)鍵的時(shí)間點(diǎn)，in recent years，在改寫(xiě)的時(shí)候一定要突出來(lái)， 這一點(diǎn)你沒(méi)有做到。(可用recently，last decade 等等代替)而用it is true略顯繁雜，肯定是true啊不然讓你寫(xiě)干什么?所以換一種表達(dá)方式，常用方法是引起社會(huì)關(guān)注，即issue，controversy等。

　　2.在中高分段的寫(xiě)作里面structure非常的重要，它決定了你是否可用拿到6.5以上。而兩種方式突出structure：topic sentence 和連接詞。 在表明觀點(diǎn)類(lèi)的段落中你做到了topic sentence而沒(méi)有做到連接詞，“The shortcoming in ethical education is one cause of juvenile crime”是你的topic sentence，但記住，topic sentence永遠(yuǎn)要和連接詞在一起，可前可后，所以應(yīng)該加上first等連詞以表示邏輯，后面同理。

　　3.Therefore后面再有thereby重復(fù)了。

　　很多不正確的中式表達(dá)在我寫(xiě)的作文中已經(jīng)改出來(lái)了，如see as， too much，unhealth contents, work together都過(guò)于口語(yǔ)化和中式化。

　　模仿不用copy，用imitate

　　建議類(lèi)里不能出現(xiàn)haveto，用should 或ought to 代替

　　犯罪不應(yīng)該是when而應(yīng)該是before

　　通過(guò)法律用implement或者enforce，不用pass

　　4.多用meanwhile，additionally，alternatively，finally，consequently等連詞連接，clearly，also很少在用到topic sentence時(shí)連接

　　5.能想到parents，schools，government三個(gè)平行方面非常棒!!!但在government后可以舉個(gè)例子，比如strengthen the censorship on media

　　我的范文：

　　Juvenile delinquency has been a preferred issue since the rate of minor crime is skyrocketing recently. There are a number of reasons resulting in this. Meanwhile, growing concerns on how to tackle this problem have been gained comprehensive attention.

　　First, the lack of moral education is one key contributor to juvenile delinquency. In contrast tomoral education, schools might pay more attention to instruction of core subjects. Therefore, teenagers cannot learn how to distinguish right and wrong, they are easily tempted to break laws. For example, taking drugs is usuallyconsidered to be a ‘cool’ thing by teenagers, thereby being addicted finally. Besides, for those who might be always exposed to violence and pornography, they are more likely to commit crimes comparably. Youth are normally immature hence they are likely to imitate the inappropriate behaviors they see on TV or Internet. Such as, some young viewers may adopt violent means to settle conflicts with other people.

　　There are some ways to curb juvenile delinquency. Firstly, the method that popularizes the moral education in schooling is necessarily implemented. Which can be attributed via enforcing moral education to be required, enabling to help students understand that they would pay a heavily price for their transgressions and know the danger of drugs so on. Consequently, people could become law-abidingcitizens based on well-educated moral knowledge. In addition, parents should ensure that their children are being protected in extensive negative coverage. Also, they need spend more time in accompanying with their children in order to keep them away from unhealthy things. Finally, government should implement some laws aiming at the young to restrict the pace of juvenile delinquency as this might be a strong deterrent before committing a crime to teenagers.

　　In conclusion, the combined effect resulting from the lack of moral education and negative media influence are responsible for the rise of juvenile crime. Meanwhile, it is worth highlighting that family, schools and governments should work jointly to prevent this kind of crime.

　　可以看出本文的兩段主體段一段寫(xiě)青少年犯罪率高的原因，另外一段寫(xiě)解決方法，都采用了“列舉式” 的寫(xiě)法，這種寫(xiě)法結(jié)構(gòu)清晰，內(nèi)容明了，可以使閱讀者在最快的時(shí)間內(nèi)免去思考地獲得作者的意圖，列舉式寫(xiě)法考驗(yàn)的是學(xué)生的連接詞的使用能力和邏輯能力。

　　作者| Lynn

　　公眾號(hào)： 雅思寫(xiě)作王

　　本文為原創(chuàng)文章，版權(quán)歸作者所有，未經(jīng)授權(quán)不得轉(zhuǎn)載!