下面是學(xué)習(xí)啦小編整理的爆笑英語(yǔ)冷笑話，希望對(duì)大家有幫助。

　　爆笑英語(yǔ)冷笑話：

　　How much English can you speak?

　　"Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to

　　be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knew his

　　way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."

　　The judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?"

　　The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!"

　　"法官先生，我的當(dāng)事人被指控偷竊，這是多么不公正啊。他一周前才來(lái)到紐約，幾乎不認(rèn)路。

　　而且，他只會(huì)說(shuō)幾個(gè)英語(yǔ)單詞。"

　　法官看了看被告，問(wèn)道："你會(huì)說(shuō)多少英文?"

　　被告抬起頭，說(shuō)："把你的錢包給我!"

　　爆笑英語(yǔ)冷笑話：

　　Do You Know Santa's True Profession?

　　Consider the following:

　　1. You never actually see Santa, only his "assistants."

　　2. Santa keeps his job until he decides to retire.

　　3. Santa doesn't really do the work; he directs a bunch of helpers to do all his work for him, but he's the one who everybody credits with the work.

　　4. Santa doesn't work a 40-hour week.

　　5. Santa travels a lot.

　　Santa is obviously a senior faculty member with tenure!

　　圣誕老人的真實(shí)職業(yè)是什么?

　　考慮以下幾點(diǎn)

　　1. 你其實(shí)從來(lái)沒(méi)見(jiàn)過(guò)圣誕老人，你看見(jiàn)的都是他得助手(他得助手真的好多，除了過(guò)圣誕節(jié)的所有父母外，還有職業(yè)“圣誕老人”)

　　2. 圣誕老人不想退休，就可以一直當(dāng)他的圣誕老人。

　　3. 圣誕老人不會(huì)做實(shí)事，他都是指揮一堆幫手幫他做完所有的事情，但是事情做得好還是不好，功績(jī)和責(zé)任都算圣誕老人的。

　　4. 圣誕老人實(shí)行的可不是朝九晚五雙休制。

　　5. 圣誕老人經(jīng)常旅行

　　圣誕老人顯然是一個(gè)高級(jí)職員(please, 這世界上還有比他的工作更好的工作嗎?)

　　爆笑英語(yǔ)冷笑話：

　　I've Just Bitten My Tongue

　　"Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother.

　　"Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?"

　　"Cause I've just bitten my tongue! "

　　Notes:

　　(1) poisonous adj.有毒的

　　(2) Cause I've just bitten my tongue 因?yàn)槲覄傄Я俗约旱纳囝^。 句中 Cause 是 Because 的縮略形式。

　　我剛咬破自己的舌頭

　　“我們有毒嗎?”一個(gè)年幼的蛇問(wèn)它的母親。

　　“是的，親愛(ài)的，”她回答說(shuō)，“你問(wèn)這個(gè)干什么?”

　　“因?yàn)槲覄倓傄谱约旱纳囝^。”

　　爆笑英語(yǔ)冷笑話：

　　In class the teacher showed pictures of various birds. Then he asked one of the students, "What kind of bird do you like best, Jack?"

　　Jack thought a moment, then answered, "Fried chicken, sir."

　　老師在課堂上向?qū)W生們展示了各種各樣的鳥(niǎo)的照片。然后他問(wèn)其中一名學(xué)生，“杰克，你最喜歡哪種鳥(niǎo)兒啊?”

　　杰克想了想，回答，“炸雞，老師。”

　　爆笑英語(yǔ)冷笑話：

　　A schoolboy went home with a pain in his stomach. Well, sit down and eat your tea, said his mother. Your stomach's hurting because it's empty. It'll be all right when you've got something in it.

　　Shortly afterwards Dad come in from the office, complaining of a headache.

　　That's because it's empty, said his bright son. You'd be all right if you had something in it.

　　一個(gè)男孩放學(xué)回家時(shí)，覺(jué)得肚子痛。來(lái)，坐下，吃點(diǎn)點(diǎn)心，媽媽說(shuō)，你肚子痛是因?yàn)槎亲邮强盏摹３渣c(diǎn)東西就會(huì)好的。

　　一會(huì)兒，男孩的爸爸下班回家了，說(shuō)是頭痛。

　　你頭痛是因?yàn)槟愕哪X袋是空的，他那聰明的兒子說(shuō)，里面裝點(diǎn)東西，就會(huì)好的。

　　爆笑英語(yǔ)冷笑話：

　　I Have His Ear in My Pocket

　　Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?"

　　"A kid bit me," replied Ivan.

　　"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.

　　"I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."

　　他的耳朵在我衣兜里

　　伊凡鼻子流著血回到家里。他媽媽問(wèn)，“發(fā)生了什么事?”

　　“一個(gè)男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡說(shuō)。

　　“再見(jiàn)到他你能認(rèn)出來(lái)嗎?”媽媽問(wèn)。

　　“他走到哪里我都能認(rèn)出他，”伊凡說(shuō)。“他的耳朵還在我衣兜里呢。”

　　爆笑英語(yǔ)冷笑話：

　　Dick was seven years old, and his sister, Catherine, was five. One day their mother took them to their aunt's house to play while she went to the big city to buy some new clothes.

　　The children played for an hour, and then at half past four their aunt took Dick into the kitchen. She gave him a nice cake and a knife and said to him, "Now here's a knife, Dick. Cut this cake in half and give one of the pieces to your sister, but remember to do it like a gentleman."

　　"Like a gentleman?" Dick asked. "How do gentlemen do it?"

　　"They always give the bigger piece to the other person." answered his aunt at once.

　　"Oh" said Dick. He thought about this for a few seconds. Then he took the cake to his sister and said to her,"Cut this cake in half, Catherine.".

　　迪克年齡七歲，他的妹妹凱瑟琳五歲。一天，媽媽把他們帶到姨媽家去玩，自己就到大城市去買些新的衣服。

　　孩子們玩了個(gè)把小時(shí)，在四點(diǎn)半的時(shí)候，姨媽領(lǐng)著迪克走進(jìn)了廚房。她交給迪克一塊精美的蛋糕和一把刀子，并對(duì)他說(shuō)：“喏，迪克，給你刀子，把這塊蛋糕一切為二，給你妹妹一塊。不過(guò)，你得記住要做得像一個(gè)紳士那樣。”

　　迪克問(wèn)：“像一個(gè)紳士?紳士怎樣做呢?”

　　他姨媽馬上回答說(shuō)：“紳士總是把大的一塊讓給別人的。”

　　迪克說(shuō)了一聲“噢”。他對(duì)此想了一會(huì)，然后，他把蛋糕拿給妹妹，并對(duì)她說(shuō)：“凱瑟琳，你來(lái)把這塊蛋糕一切為二吧。”

　　爆笑英語(yǔ)冷笑話：Goldfish 金魚(yú)

　　Stan: I won 92 goldfish.

　　斯丹：我贏了 92 條金魚(yú)。

　　Fred: Where are you going to keep them?

　　弗雷德：你想在哪兒養(yǎng)它們?

　　Stan: In the bathroom.

　　斯丹：浴室。

　　Fred: But what will you do when you want to take a bath?

　　弗雷德：但是你想洗澡時(shí)怎么辦?

　　Stan: Blindfold(蒙眼睛) them!

　　斯丹：蒙住它們的眼睛!

　　爆笑英語(yǔ)冷笑話：I am acting like a lady 我要表現(xiàn)得像一位女士

　　One day women's dresses were on sale at a department store. A dignified middle-aged man decided to pick a dress for his wife, but soon he found himself being battered by frantic women.

　　一天，一家百貨公司的女裝大減價(jià)，一位高貴的中年男士想給他的太太挑選一件女裝。但是，沒(méi)過(guò)多久，他就發(fā)現(xiàn)自己已被瘋狂的女人們撞得踉踉蹌蹌。

　　He stood it as long as he could; then, with head lowered and arms flailing, he plowed through the crowd.

　　他竭力地忍耐著。后來(lái)，他低下頭，揮舞雙臂，擠過(guò)人群。

　　"You there!" challenged a thrilling voice. "Can't you act like a gentleman?"

　　“你干嘛?”有人尖聲叫道，“你難道不能表現(xiàn)得像一位紳士嗎?”

　　"Listen," he said. "I have been acting like a gentleman for an hour. From now on, I am acting like a lady."

　　“聽(tīng)著，”他說(shuō)。“我已經(jīng)像紳士一樣表現(xiàn)了一個(gè)小時(shí)了。從現(xiàn)在起，我要表現(xiàn)得像一位女士。”